It's Now Official, USC National Champs!!!!!!

That's right, The USC Trojans are the National Champs. It has just been announced the 2008 college football season has been canceled with USC being named National Champs.After two, let me say again TWO wins, USC has been named the best team in the land.

Not only are the USC Cock Wraps, I mean Trojans, the champs this year, it has been decided to cancel the next three seasons with the same result. That's right,
making it four in a row for the Reservoir Tipped Ejaculate Receptacles.
Wow, that makes it 22 BCS titles in just 7 years.


In other news, the SEC has been disbanded for lack of talent. Too many of
these inferior schools have been taking credit for having programs that
can compare to the almighty USC Trojans. The nerve of these "southerners" comparing themselves to THE MEN OF TROY. Who do "they" think "they" are? Achilles.

"I really don't know why we had to play Ohio St. for this to happen, beating Virginia proved that we are the best football team in the history of USC, therefore making this team the greatest team to ever be assembled, ever, including all professional sports teams. This will give me more time to finish my book," says Pete Carroll, the greatest looking, coolest guy ever to do anything in the history of things that
are soo much cooler and better that you would have to be from California or as good looking as Pete Carroll's great hair to even pretend to comprehend.

Pete Carroll's novel, " HOW TO BE THE GREATEST COACH EVER TO GET HIS ASS RUN OUT OF THE NFL AND DOMINATE A PATHETIC FOOTBALL CONFERENCE WHILE HAVING REGGIE BUSH GET CAUGHT BREAKING ALL KINDS OF RULES INVOLVING TAKING HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS WITH THE NCAA DOING NOTHING ABOUT IT BECAUSE ABC AND ESPN HAVE SOOOO MUCH INVESTED IN USC GOING TO THE ROSE BOWL OR BCS TITLE GAME THAT THIS KIND OF SCANDAL WOULD COST TOO MUCH $$$$$$ THAT IT IS BETTER TO NEVER MENTION REGGIE BUSH" will be released
sometime in the fall of 2009.

In related news it turns out that the New York Yanks did not win the World Series, ever, in fact it was the 2008 USC Tojans that won every World Series that the Bronx Bombers "claimed" to have won.

Also, it turns out that it was really Mark Sanchez who threw all those TDs for the Green Bay Packers, not Brett Favre.

Crisis In American Cinema

Every once in a while its nice to have HBO. Every so often they show a great movie. Last week while aimlessly channel surfing I stumbled across a true gem, The Bad News Bears. I found this masterpiece 3 minutes before it started. That means I saw the beginning of the this movie for the first time since 1977 or '78, when I first saw the Bears during a sleep over at my best friends house.

So its Saturday night, I had two Crowns in me and the Bad News Bears come on, uninterrupted and uncensored. It was a great moment in my cable surfing history, nothing to watch on the tube and bam, 2 hours of TV bliss. Its like finding The Road Warrior( Mad Max II to the less informed) or The Warriors.

The last few days I have been replaying my favorite scenes over and over in my head. It was all good until I stumbled across something horrible. I wanted to look up my favorite quote from the movie, the "there is a lot of ass at the ball park" line. So I go to the IMDB(InternetMovieDataBase) type in The Bad News and guess what pops up. The Bad News Bears 2005 at the top of the list.

What the fuck? Who in the...what in the... how the fuck did this happen? To me this is an abomination. Who the hell does Billy Bob Thornton think he is? Is he trying to be like Sandler remaking The Longest Yard? What is this crap? I don't get it. There are certain things in life that must remain sacred and pure. Certain movies should not be remade. Just like certain sports teams should never relocate, like the Cubs, Red Sox, Yanks, 49ers, Cowboys, Pakers, Lakers and the Celtics. The list goes on and on, forgive me if I left your team out.

Back to Billy Bob. Billy Bob stick to movies where you play a super human strength, yard tool wielding, murdering retard. That's your wheel house. I love that shit. When you talk in that backward ass Arkansas croker fish retard voice, "I don't reckin I got no reason to kill nobody." That is good shit. Friday Night Lights was a great movie. Your little cameo in Tombstone was outstanding, when you got bitch slapped by Wyatt Earp. You need to stick to roles where the redneck DNA in your genetic makeup can shine through. Now don't go getting any ideas about remaking Deliverance, that movie is on the DO NOT REMAKE list.

I would like to leave all two of my faithful readers with this food for thought. The youth of America will be surfing the tube one day and may stumble upon The Bad News Bears. Only it may not be the real Bad News Bears, it might be this abomination that was made in 05. That kid may think Billy Bob is the real Boilermaker/ Buttercrud. What is to become of our youth? In the dark hours of the night, I lay awake in my bed, tossing and turning, my mind racing or worse yet I'll wake up in a pool of sweat with the fear that my son may be exposed to such a thing. Well, fuck that, not on my watch.

Conference, Schmon-ference. What Up With Conference Loyalty?

I think back to last years BCS game in NOLA and remember seeing LSU fans chanting
"S E C, S E C," at the time I liked it. I got all caught up in the moment. I had half a bottle of Crown in me and I was all jacked-up watching The Tigers work over the Buckeyes. (What the hell is a buckeye anyway?)

The fans chanting must have been inspired by the domination displayed over the Big Ten champs in the title game for the second year in a row. The previous years title game featuring Florida and Ohio St. was no better for the Bucks or the Big Ten.


I really don't remember this conference loyalty and conference pride thing being so in your face the way it is now. When I lived in New Orleans I only hung out with people from New Orleans. We all loved LSU, except for a few loyal Tulane fans who hated LSU. We never cared about conference loyalty or what fans around the country thought. I really don't remember pulling for Auburn or Bama if they played a Pac Ten team. There was no way I could bring myself to pull for Florida. Never could I pull for Florida. Never. We hated all SEC teams, I still hate them and as Sam L Jackson put it "I hope they burn in hell".

Now that LSU is in the hunt for the title game each year rankings mean so much more. So I guess it would make sense for me to hope that the SEC plays well nationally. Only I can't do it. I just can't pull for Georgia or TEE-dork in Florida. I could never, never, never pull for Saban, unless it meant LSU would profit by a Bama victory.

Last week when UCLA beat Tennessee I heard it from some Pac Ten fans the next day. F*## that, I refuse to answer for Tennessee, or any Sec school. My loyalty begins and ends with LSU. My team. Not my conference. My buddy put it best, "why should I pull for Bama or Auburn to do well when every year we have to compete for recruits." It is a great point really, recruiting is dirty down in the south, dirty everywhere really.

So unless it benefits my team directly, I refuse to pull for ANY Sec team. Fuck em all. I will not pull for any Sec school out some sense of conference loyalty. I don't care if Pac Ten fans think the Sec sucks. I don't care what Big Ten fans think. All I want is an Sec title every year. Its simple, if LSU has more wins than any other team in the Sec west, then I get to watch them one more week against a top notch opponent in Atlanta. One more big game to get wasted and piss drunk. A weekend filled with the anticipation and drama that could leave me flying high from a Tiger victory, or so disgusted by defeat, that I drink myself into a state of grace where I will most likely throw up and possibly even shit my pants.

As for this system with the quality of opponents influencing the rankings in order to get a shot at the title, well, that system needs to change. Playoffs. 12 conferences, 12 teams make the playoffs. Win your conference and you are in. No more bitching, no more griping that your team "should have" or "would have" won if they "hadn't been screwed" by the rankings. Players would control their own destiny on the field, between the lines, where champions are meant to be found, not in the rankings of the Sunday night polls. No more writers or has beens deciding who is the best or who gets a chance to be best based on pollsters infinite "wisdom" and grandiose opinions. Opinions are like assholes, everybody has one.

the riff is really taking off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't believe the response we are getting here at the riff, I like to think it is due to the great stories my co-riffers are poundindg out.

any who, whats up with these Carl 's jr. and pizza hut commercials? these posh restaurants are filled with a buncha phonies who rant and rave on how good their burger/pasta tastes, and blah, blah, blah. Then all of a sudden the chef comes out to reveal that the burgers/pasta is really from pizza hut or Carl's .

If I ever go to a restaurant, order a meal and find out that I was eating that crap
from either of those two shit holes I would literally shit.

I'm not kidding, crappy food runs through me faster than, faster than, well...faster than something that goes really fast through something else. Anyway, i would be pissed, i'm pissed now just thinking about it.

Viva la Riff.

Douche Bags With Mics

This next piece was inspired by watching the Olympics on Friday night with my wife and dawg. I was watching, but not really paying attention, I was heating up some leftovers, eating while sitting at the computer, checking up on my Fantasy Baseball Team, you may have heard or read about my team, THE ORIGINAL CURVE CUBS or The OCC,we are riding a 7 week win streak, never heard of The OCC...that's weird. What do ya live in a cave or something?

Anyway I'm watching the games, only not really watching you know, all of the sudden I find myself getting angry. I didn't even realize it at first, but there was anger pumping through my veins, my eyes were forming a scowl and my lips were clinched tight, like when I watch that gay TV show Full House, with that faggot BobSaget (that sounds catchy-Bob Saget-the Full House Faggot, allow me to clarify, sometimes I like to watch Full House to see how long it takes me to become angry, it usually takes somewhere between 3 to 4 minutes, it really just depends on how long it takes for one of those two little Olsen twin whores to make an appearance.

Anyway, I sitting there and it suddenly comes to me why I am getting angry. It was the voice of that little faggot Bob Costas in the background. I turned and looked at the the TV with a feeling of pure hate. It's not that I hate Bob Costas, it's just that I can't stand the sight of him or bear the sound if his voice, its like when I watch him I just want to smash something.

It got me to start thinking of all the TV hosts and announcers out there that I despise. Lets see, there's the easy ones that we all hate like Kathy Lee Gifford, Regis and Geraldo Rivera. But I don't really get too worked up over the likes of them. It's like Bill O'reilly, (I hate Bill O'reilly soo much that if anyone is hurting for cash enough I got fifty bucks guaranteed if they smoke his ass. That's right, I will pay $50.00, that's US dollars, to the one who pulls a Dick Cheny on Bill O'Reilly's face), if I turn the TV on and O'Reilly or Regis is on the Tele, I simply change the channel, the same as if I would if one of those two Olsen whores in on the tube.

The problem I have with Costas is that he is always on a show or an event that I want to watch. So I am FORCED to watch his three foot five ass.Every word from his mouth is delivered in such a way that makes me want to puke. I guess I have made feelings clear about those mentioned above. So, who else? Who else makes me want to merk on shit? Who, like Costas, am I forced to watch?

I love watching baseball. I love to watch the Fox Saturday afternoon games. I also love to watch the All Star Game and the World Series. There is one problem. That problem is Tim MacCarver. Tim fucking MacCarver. What an absolute prick. In the dictionary, next to the word cock, you will find Tim Macarver's face. MacCarver is such an asshole I really don't know where to begin.

Does anyone remember when Deoin Sanders played two sports back in the early 90's? He was playing for the Braves and some NFL team, maybe the Falcons, at the same time. If I am not mistaken it was when the Braves won the World Series. There was Sanders, flying back and forth, in and out with helicopters and shit, it was a big media circus and without a doubt this had to be some kind of distraction to the team. But, hey, maybe it was a good distraction, I mean it was Prime Time after all. Sanders was like TO, it came with the territory, you know ahead of time what your gonna get with these types of flashy, controversial, and yet immensely talented players. MacCarver is one of the announcers for the Series made a point to bring up this distraction during the games and in true MacCarver fashion he would not let it go. He went on and on about how Deion was wrong and he was a distraction and if the Braves lost, Sanders would be partly to blame, and bla,bla,bla,on and on, beating it into the ground. Sanders later dumped a bucket of water on MacCarver's head during the Braves celebration in the locker room, it was great. MacCarver started crying like a little bitch. MacCarver says, in that cocksuck condescending tone of his, "you're a real man Deion"! Sanders should have beat his ass.

If MacCarver could he would take Barbaro with him around Major League ballparks in order to beat his dead body mercilessly right there in the announcers booth. Maybe he can look into getting Barbaro stuffed.

Dan Dierdorf, Joe Theisman, Chris Collinsworth, Tony Cornheiser and mercifully only for a brief period Dennis Miller all come to mind when I think about the sports announcers who I truly despise and yet am forced to endure. Oh yes, how can I forget, Brent Woody Musburger. I could do without any of these douche bags but realize there is no
fighting it, they are here to stay.

I just want to know why, why? How did this happen? Who is in charge and are they watching? How do soo many pricks hold such coveted jobs on the biggest stages of sports? The only logical reason is that the powers that be, the ones who actually fill these positions must be giant douche bags themselves and are bound by some silent douche bag code that forces them to keep all of these cocksuckers on the air.

K-rod Gets Booed Wednesday Night By Morons!!! Boozers Get Cut Off By Mounted Agents of the State Before the Yanks Angel Game Sunday Afternoon

K-Rod blows a 2 run lead in the 9th against Seattle Wednesday night and the fans boo his ass. I am all for booing a guy, but when he is on pace for like 314 saves in one season and your team is in 1st place by like 50 games, I am not sure that qualifies as an occasion to boo. (Texierrachera saved K-Rod from getting the loss by jacking one off of JJ Putz in the bottom of the 9th, yes that's right JJ putz of the Kalamazoo Putzeesz)

I am an old school Saints fan, I remember seeing Archie Manning have his jersey torn from his body in what was probably the 52nd time he was sacked during that particular season. If there ever was a team that deserved to be booed it was the "aints". So shut it you spoiled Angel fans and enjoy the ride K-Rod is taking you on this season!

Speaking of the Angels, I was in attendance at Angel Stadium last Sunday to see the Yanks get merked on, I love saying merked on, it's sooo Cali. Before the game some family, friends and myself arrived early to congregate in the parking area for some wine and cheese before the game.Unfortunately the homo bringing the wine and cheese was not able to accompany our gathering due to an incident involving a gerbil, a three year old sheep and bag of gummy worms. So we settled for Miller Lites and beef
jerky.

About 4 and a half beers into the tail-gaiting, mounted police arrived in order to prevent any consumption of alcohol. I remember hearing a sarcastic drunkard,me, yell out contemptuously, "thank god, the police".I could not believe my fucking eyes, these overzealous mounties patrolled up and down the parking lot with the same determination a gay,still waaaaay in the closet, high school coach has while cruising up and down the boys showers during p.e. hoping to sneak a peek at some pre-pubescent balls or an even better cock shot. I went to a Catholic high school, so I've seen it man, its really awkward, especially if you are NOT gay.

We were reduced to pouring our beers into red cups. But the super troopers were on to us and even made some sinners pour their beers onto the ground and wrote some tickets to boot. During one of the prohibitive ride-by's, one of the storm troopers horses dropped a huge, two girls in a cup like pile of shit in the middle of some tailgaters. I think it was a planned attempt to even more ruin what would have been a rather pleasant tailgating experience.

If Angel fans are going to boo anybody they should be booing these Nazi, buzz killing so called peace officers, protect and serve my ass. Whats with Orange County? It's like the Fourth Reich out here,you can't drink at the beach, you can't drink and drive and they litterally shit themselves if you drink while you drive. Like South Parks Eric Cartmen once said, "whats the big fucking deal bitch?" Seriously, whats the point of bombing third world countries in the name of freedom if you can't get wasted and piss all over peoples tires in the parking lot outside of a baseball stadium on a beautiful Sunday afternoon?

Maybe it's me,maybe I should move back to that rat infested city that sits 7 feet below sea level I call home,that's right, NOLA baby, home of the Saints and Mayor Sugar Ray Nagen. New Orleans may be a shit hole but at least you can still get wasted to, during, and while driving home from a Saints game.

How You Like Me Now You Faggoty French Little Bitches!!

(FAGGOT ASS FRENCH FAGGOT CRYING AFTER THE GERMANS
KICKED THEIR ASSES IN
1940>>>>>>>>>>>>IMAGE TO RIGHT)
That's right France, in your faggot ass faces. Get this, the French,the French, were talking shit. The French men's,"French men" anything does not sound right, the French men's swim team said "they would crush" Michael Phelps and the American swim team in the Olympic swim meet on Sunday. Typically, the French then proceeded to loose to the
Americans.

Let me tell you something France, you are not allowed to be talking any kind of shit,got it. WWII was not that long ago. Yeah that's right WWII, I said it, remember the war where Germany flanked your entire obsolete defense system, the "Maginot line", in like twenty minutes, I am not joking, seriously, France fell in like twenty minutes to the Germans, it was like the Michael Spinx vs. Mike "I'll eat your babies" Tyson fight, that fight lasted like 49 seconds.

So why is the door mat of Europe, faggot ass France, hating on Americans so much? This is why the French hate Americans so much, and the Germans as well. When France's pathetic excuse for an army fell to the Germans back in 1940 it marked the beginning of an occupation by the Germans that would last until Matt Damon and Tom Hanks would begin the liberation of Faggot Ass France(AKA FAF)on June 6, 1944, as depicted in the movie, "Saving Good Will Hunting". The most famous scene is when Matt Damon's character is macking on some faggot ass french dude's chick outside some Paris bar. Damon's all like, "hey Frenchy, do you like apples? And Faggot ass frenchy is like, in his little faggoty assed french voice, "Wie, I like apples", and then Matt Damon's like, "how do you like them apples" or maybe it was grapes, it was some kind of fruit. You see fruit was like a metaphore on how much of a faggot the french dude was or something.

You see what happened in France, and I'll try and be as polite as possible, was a fuck fest between French women and the German Army. Any adult French male during these years of occupation was stripped of all manhood by the German army. Any Frenchmen with any balls or pride, there were like 60 I think,fled, that's right fled like a bucha bitches, off to join up with the English and Americans to fight the Germans.I am not making this shit up, it really did happen this way, go to a library or wikipedia and look it up.

So during this time of occupation French women were like "our men are a bunch of bitches so lets fuck the German guys", the French women needed a little action, they wanted to get some dick (its common knowledge that French men would rather fuck with their faces then fight). I mean think about it, a bunch of young, horny Germans are kicking it in the most romantic city in the world, Paris, one thing leads to another and bam, you got 100,000 little half German half French bastards popping out 9 months later.

Then come the Americans, I should say, then cum the Americans, with their chocolate bars and silk stockings, feeling all strong, getting all liquored up,nailing every French broad in sight. It didn't take much I bet, it was like ladies night. Think about it, Germany is losing the war, so the party was over in FAF, all the young German guys were sent to the eastern front to fight the Russians. All that was left of the German army in France were the limp dick old men and faggot ass French dudes. So blam, here come the American boys raring to go, and most of the Americans were stuck in England for like 2 years getting ready for the invasion of FAF. Think about it, besides Elizbeth Hurley have you ever seen any hot English chicks? For the American GIs it was on, let the fucking begin. By the time the Americans liberated Paris there must have been 150,000 French women knocked up by the American GIs.

It's like that movie Parenthood when the kid goes and smashes up his dads office because his dad abandoned him. Yeah, the kids all quiet and creepy,lurking around the whole movie, because he's pissed off that his dad is not around, his dad has a new family, with a hotter wife and better kids.That's pretty much what happened in France back in 1946, when all the American GI's went home. You see it was like this, these guys, the American GIs, were just getting whatever action they could, they were at war, for all they knew they might be killed at any moment. They were not looking long term, they just wanted some pussy before they died.

So its 1946, you got like 250,000 bastard kids hanging around with their American fathers all back in the USA. The half Geman bastards are pissed at the Americans because it was the Americans who most likely killed their Nazi dads. You see, these half Nazi bastards still wanted their German dads because even though they were evil Nazis, at least they were men, all they had left to raise them were the Faggot Ass French Pussy so-called men(half men more like, fucking faggots) So these half American/ half Nazi bastards grow to hate America, because all they see are these weak French men left to raise them. It was an unfortunate thing really, you can't blame GI's for getting what very well could have been the last piece of ass in their lives. What about the French women? You can't blame them for being whores, because thats what French women are, whores. It's not a nice thing to say I know, but it's true.


And think of how pissed off the French men are. All the women they have to choose from come with the left over baggage of not one but two conquering armies. Again, I'll try to be as polite as possible, but the French men are left with sloppy thirds.

So, there you have it. Its all true. These are facts. Its kinda like from that scene in the most underrated movie in history, True Romance, with Dennis Hopper and Chris Walken, right before Walken shoots Hopper in the head, Hopper's character says, "if its a fact, am I lying?" If you have not seen this movie stop whatever you are doing, cancel all plans and see this movie, you will not regret it.

Think about it you French faggots, your great grandmother, fucked a Nazi, had a little half Nazi kid,then 4 years later, your grandmother, with a half Nazi bastard kid at home, fucked an American GI, had another bastard kid, giving her two bastard kids for your faggot ass French grandfather to raise. The Mike Sterling(Of The Marina Del Rey Sterlings) says, if that's a fact, am I lying?