It's Now Official, USC National Champs!!!!!!

That's right, The USC Trojans are the National Champs. It has just been announced the 2008 college football season has been canceled with USC being named National Champs.After two, let me say again TWO wins, USC has been named the best team in the land.

Not only are the USC Cock Wraps, I mean Trojans, the champs this year, it has been decided to cancel the next three seasons with the same result. That's right,
making it four in a row for the Reservoir Tipped Ejaculate Receptacles.
Wow, that makes it 22 BCS titles in just 7 years.


In other news, the SEC has been disbanded for lack of talent. Too many of
these inferior schools have been taking credit for having programs that
can compare to the almighty USC Trojans. The nerve of these "southerners" comparing themselves to THE MEN OF TROY. Who do "they" think "they" are? Achilles.

"I really don't know why we had to play Ohio St. for this to happen, beating Virginia proved that we are the best football team in the history of USC, therefore making this team the greatest team to ever be assembled, ever, including all professional sports teams. This will give me more time to finish my book," says Pete Carroll, the greatest looking, coolest guy ever to do anything in the history of things that
are soo much cooler and better that you would have to be from California or as good looking as Pete Carroll's great hair to even pretend to comprehend.

Pete Carroll's novel, " HOW TO BE THE GREATEST COACH EVER TO GET HIS ASS RUN OUT OF THE NFL AND DOMINATE A PATHETIC FOOTBALL CONFERENCE WHILE HAVING REGGIE BUSH GET CAUGHT BREAKING ALL KINDS OF RULES INVOLVING TAKING HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS WITH THE NCAA DOING NOTHING ABOUT IT BECAUSE ABC AND ESPN HAVE SOOOO MUCH INVESTED IN USC GOING TO THE ROSE BOWL OR BCS TITLE GAME THAT THIS KIND OF SCANDAL WOULD COST TOO MUCH $$$$$$ THAT IT IS BETTER TO NEVER MENTION REGGIE BUSH" will be released
sometime in the fall of 2009.

In related news it turns out that the New York Yanks did not win the World Series, ever, in fact it was the 2008 USC Tojans that won every World Series that the Bronx Bombers "claimed" to have won.

Also, it turns out that it was really Mark Sanchez who threw all those TDs for the Green Bay Packers, not Brett Favre.

Crisis In American Cinema

Every once in a while its nice to have HBO. Every so often they show a great movie. Last week while aimlessly channel surfing I stumbled across a true gem, The Bad News Bears. I found this masterpiece 3 minutes before it started. That means I saw the beginning of the this movie for the first time since 1977 or '78, when I first saw the Bears during a sleep over at my best friends house.

So its Saturday night, I had two Crowns in me and the Bad News Bears come on, uninterrupted and uncensored. It was a great moment in my cable surfing history, nothing to watch on the tube and bam, 2 hours of TV bliss. Its like finding The Road Warrior( Mad Max II to the less informed) or The Warriors.

The last few days I have been replaying my favorite scenes over and over in my head. It was all good until I stumbled across something horrible. I wanted to look up my favorite quote from the movie, the "there is a lot of ass at the ball park" line. So I go to the IMDB(InternetMovieDataBase) type in The Bad News and guess what pops up. The Bad News Bears 2005 at the top of the list.

What the fuck? Who in the...what in the... how the fuck did this happen? To me this is an abomination. Who the hell does Billy Bob Thornton think he is? Is he trying to be like Sandler remaking The Longest Yard? What is this crap? I don't get it. There are certain things in life that must remain sacred and pure. Certain movies should not be remade. Just like certain sports teams should never relocate, like the Cubs, Red Sox, Yanks, 49ers, Cowboys, Pakers, Lakers and the Celtics. The list goes on and on, forgive me if I left your team out.

Back to Billy Bob. Billy Bob stick to movies where you play a super human strength, yard tool wielding, murdering retard. That's your wheel house. I love that shit. When you talk in that backward ass Arkansas croker fish retard voice, "I don't reckin I got no reason to kill nobody." That is good shit. Friday Night Lights was a great movie. Your little cameo in Tombstone was outstanding, when you got bitch slapped by Wyatt Earp. You need to stick to roles where the redneck DNA in your genetic makeup can shine through. Now don't go getting any ideas about remaking Deliverance, that movie is on the DO NOT REMAKE list.

I would like to leave all two of my faithful readers with this food for thought. The youth of America will be surfing the tube one day and may stumble upon The Bad News Bears. Only it may not be the real Bad News Bears, it might be this abomination that was made in 05. That kid may think Billy Bob is the real Boilermaker/ Buttercrud. What is to become of our youth? In the dark hours of the night, I lay awake in my bed, tossing and turning, my mind racing or worse yet I'll wake up in a pool of sweat with the fear that my son may be exposed to such a thing. Well, fuck that, not on my watch.

Conference, Schmon-ference. What Up With Conference Loyalty?

I think back to last years BCS game in NOLA and remember seeing LSU fans chanting
"S E C, S E C," at the time I liked it. I got all caught up in the moment. I had half a bottle of Crown in me and I was all jacked-up watching The Tigers work over the Buckeyes. (What the hell is a buckeye anyway?)

The fans chanting must have been inspired by the domination displayed over the Big Ten champs in the title game for the second year in a row. The previous years title game featuring Florida and Ohio St. was no better for the Bucks or the Big Ten.


I really don't remember this conference loyalty and conference pride thing being so in your face the way it is now. When I lived in New Orleans I only hung out with people from New Orleans. We all loved LSU, except for a few loyal Tulane fans who hated LSU. We never cared about conference loyalty or what fans around the country thought. I really don't remember pulling for Auburn or Bama if they played a Pac Ten team. There was no way I could bring myself to pull for Florida. Never could I pull for Florida. Never. We hated all SEC teams, I still hate them and as Sam L Jackson put it "I hope they burn in hell".

Now that LSU is in the hunt for the title game each year rankings mean so much more. So I guess it would make sense for me to hope that the SEC plays well nationally. Only I can't do it. I just can't pull for Georgia or TEE-dork in Florida. I could never, never, never pull for Saban, unless it meant LSU would profit by a Bama victory.

Last week when UCLA beat Tennessee I heard it from some Pac Ten fans the next day. F*## that, I refuse to answer for Tennessee, or any Sec school. My loyalty begins and ends with LSU. My team. Not my conference. My buddy put it best, "why should I pull for Bama or Auburn to do well when every year we have to compete for recruits." It is a great point really, recruiting is dirty down in the south, dirty everywhere really.

So unless it benefits my team directly, I refuse to pull for ANY Sec team. Fuck em all. I will not pull for any Sec school out some sense of conference loyalty. I don't care if Pac Ten fans think the Sec sucks. I don't care what Big Ten fans think. All I want is an Sec title every year. Its simple, if LSU has more wins than any other team in the Sec west, then I get to watch them one more week against a top notch opponent in Atlanta. One more big game to get wasted and piss drunk. A weekend filled with the anticipation and drama that could leave me flying high from a Tiger victory, or so disgusted by defeat, that I drink myself into a state of grace where I will most likely throw up and possibly even shit my pants.

As for this system with the quality of opponents influencing the rankings in order to get a shot at the title, well, that system needs to change. Playoffs. 12 conferences, 12 teams make the playoffs. Win your conference and you are in. No more bitching, no more griping that your team "should have" or "would have" won if they "hadn't been screwed" by the rankings. Players would control their own destiny on the field, between the lines, where champions are meant to be found, not in the rankings of the Sunday night polls. No more writers or has beens deciding who is the best or who gets a chance to be best based on pollsters infinite "wisdom" and grandiose opinions. Opinions are like assholes, everybody has one.

the riff is really taking off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't believe the response we are getting here at the riff, I like to think it is due to the great stories my co-riffers are poundindg out.

any who, whats up with these Carl 's jr. and pizza hut commercials? these posh restaurants are filled with a buncha phonies who rant and rave on how good their burger/pasta tastes, and blah, blah, blah. Then all of a sudden the chef comes out to reveal that the burgers/pasta is really from pizza hut or Carl's .

If I ever go to a restaurant, order a meal and find out that I was eating that crap
from either of those two shit holes I would literally shit.

I'm not kidding, crappy food runs through me faster than, faster than, well...faster than something that goes really fast through something else. Anyway, i would be pissed, i'm pissed now just thinking about it.

Viva la Riff.